Managing spouse

Criteria for Choosing a Spouse

• General Conditions (from Umar ibn Abdul Aziz)
  • Kindness
  • Commitment
  • Forgiveness
  • Compatibility
  • Shared goals
• Conditions Specific to Women
  • As per the famous hadith, it is advised to choose a woman for her religiosity; other desirable characteristics, like beauty, wealth, and status, are also favorable but secondary.
  • Characteristics for a good marriage (from Al-Ghazali):
    • Religiosity
    • Good character
    • Beauty
    • Reasonable dowry
    • Virginity
    • Fertility
    • Good lineage (from a pious Muslim family)
    • Absence of close kinship

Obligations towards the Spouse

Obligations of the Man towards the Woman

• Fulfill her marriage conditions.
• Allow her to have a job and pursue education.
• Permit her to use her money as she wishes.
• Provide for her (nafaqa) by supplying clothes, food, and shelter with excellence; she should have her own independent property (e.g., her own room if a separate house is unavailable).
• Take care of your hygiene and appearance for her.
• If disobedient, follow this process: advise her, then avoid sharing the bed, then be firm, and if necessary, seek diplomacy through another person before considering divorce.

Obligations of the Woman towards the Man

• Come to bed when called by her husband.
• Not leave the house without permission.
• Cover herself when leaving the house.
• Not allow anyone her husband disapproves of into the home.
• Show respect and obedience in non-sinful matters.
• Care for and nurture her husband and their children.

Additional Considerations for a Good Relationship

• The Quran describes the spouse as a garment for the other, highlighting three qualities:
  • Beautification by avoiding baseless assumptions
  • Concealment by overlooking what is disliked
  • Protection by guarding honor, wealth, and life
• Treat each other well, enduring harm by showing patience (hilm) through forgiving transgressions.
• Resolve conflicts by maintaining healthy interactions and arguments.
• Engage in playfulness and lightheartedness with each other without excessive jesting, which could reduce the husband's authority.
• Exhibit healthy jealousy—give freedom but maintain healthy boundaries.
• Exercise moderation in spending (not too extravagant nor stingy).
• Learn about important aspects related to the spouse, like menstruation rules.
• Treat multiple wives equally if applicable.
• Observe proper intimacy etiquette.
• Maintain trust by respecting each other's privacy and not disclosing secrets.

Improvement Advice Specific to Women

note

Because I created processes only for men's obligations—to balance things out—I'm dedicating this section to women only.

1. Emotional stability: Maintain a balanced temperament to foster a supportive environment.
2. Security: Develop reliance on Allah and a growth mindset.
3. Intellectual growth: Learn to stay intellectually connected with your spouse.
4. Avoiding problematic behaviors.
5. Practicing gratitude: The Prophet (ﷺ) warned against ingratitude in wives; strive to appreciate good actions and the efforts of your husband.

Divorce Etiquette

• Initiate divorce after menses and before intercourse to minimize the waiting period.
• If uncertain, use a single pronouncement so you may take her back if desired.
• Show kindness by soothing her during the grieving process.
• Avoid disclosing her secrets.